Parenting Tips - How To Get Your Children To Go To Sleep

Have you ever struggled at night putting your children to bed?  Well every night all over the world parents struggle with cranky, upset kids who keep getting up, asking for water and running around agitated or irritated due to all the stresses and excitement of the day.

I realized something last night as I was tucking in my boys for the night. I have done a lot of reading on bedtime routines and structures for children. Most information is the same. The usual suggestions for a bedtime routine are a snack, bath, story and some cuddle time before they settle down for the night. However, I know now that each child has different ways or needs to wind down and get into the comfortable sleep mode.

My oldest son Joey, as he was growing up (he is now 9 yr old at the time that I am writing this) had a lot of trouble settling down and going to sleep at night.  I would try the traditional bedtime routine that I mentioned above of giving him a snack, a bath, story and some cuddle time. He would initially go to bed, however after a few minutes, he would keep asking for water, or needing to have another snack, or wanting to ask a question or saying "Oh yeah, one more thing" and then want more water again. I used to think he was just fooling around and was just trying to be defiant and not wanting to go to sleep when we told him too.

His younger brother Cameron had no problem going sleep with the traditional bedtime routine so I just thought that Joey should be able to go to sleep as well.

That was before I understood about differences and that everyone including our children have their own unique needs, wants and requirements in life. 

One of the areas that really opened my eyes in regards differences and the unique needs of children is in form of communication called Communication Modes.

What is a communication modality or mode?

As Dr. Robby, Director of the LMC Relationship Centre explains:

"Communication is the result you get. Different people are on different channels. We learn, we express love and communicate through different modes or combinations of modes. It is important to know who you are playing with, what channel they are playing on or else your communication will not be very effective. We basically all want to get what we want. If you cannot get your message through of what your needs, wants, dreams, goals and visions are, you will be very frustrated and stressed. So an understanding of communication modes is a basic skill for relationship success whether that is a relationship with a partner, your children, friends, family or coworkers."

The following is a very basic definition of the communication modes.  You can be primarily one mode or a mixture of up to all four.

Visual people communicate by seeing and doing.  They like activities and they like gifts.  They notice people, places and things with just the slightest glance. They feel and share love by doing things with or for other people. They take things at face value and do not look deeper into things. They learn by seeing and doing.

Auditory people communicate through talking.  They have the natural gift of the gab, are designed to be able to talk for long periods of time.  They enjoy talking and listening to other people talk.  They feel loved when they are talked to, and like to hear the words I love you. They learn by hearing.

Digital people communicate through connection and understanding.  The find the deeper meaning in everything they think, see and do.  Understanding is very important to them. They feel loved when they share connections with others and are understood. They learn by understanding.

Kinesthetic people communicate through their bodies.  They move, feel and express through their bodies.  Kinesthetics love to touch, feel, physical activities and hugging.  They feel loved when they are touched. They learn through touch and through experience

One night as I was putting my kids to bed, I watched Cameron fall asleep almost instantly and then watched Joey who was no where near being able to sleep, when it hit me that maybe I needed to develop a different bedroom routine for Joey than Cameron.

It began to make sense. Cameron's communication mode was Visual and Kinesthetic. What that would mean is that my traditional bedtime routine would work for him. Having a snack, a bath and reading a story together with me are both Visual and Kinesthetic activities. Cameron likes and receives a lot of hugs, kisses and cuddles before he goes to sleep which all fulfill his Kinesthetic needs and ways on how he feels loved. He feels fulfilled, secure and loved which helps him to fall asleep right away.

I realized that Joey on the other hand was Digital and Auditory, not Visual and only a bit Kinesthetic. What he needs is to talk for awhile before he settles down, about his day, what he will do tomorrow, or any other thing that is on his mind. He does want a kiss and a hug but that is about the extent of his affection, he is not as Kinesthetic as his brother. The reason why Joey had keep calling me back is that he needed to talk things out with me and connect before going to bed but didn't know how to tell me that is what he needed.

I always hear parents talk about their kids stalling at bedtime. I had always though that the stalling is normal, but it can also be somewhat avoided once you know your child's needs around bedtime. Once I give my boys what they need there is no reason for them to come looking for it once they have been tucked in for the night.

Now once Joey has time to talk with me and get whatever is on his mind out, he goes to sleep just as easy as his brother Cameron.

What I know now is that incorporating a bedtime routine in my children's communication mode allows them to have all their needs met, feel loved and secure, all the key elements that will allow them to go to sleep.

So you may be wondering what kind of routine would you need to develop with your own children? The following are how to tell what your children's communication modes are as well as some suggestions for each of the communication modes.

Visual Child: To find out if your child is a Visual, if you asked a Visual child if they had a choice would they want to go and do something with you, talk with you, understand something that happened to them that day or just cuddle, a Visual child would say that the would like to go and do something with you.

If you were going through a regular bed routine with a Visual child, they would enjoy getting ready for bed with you, brushing their teeth, brushing their hair with you, reading the story with you and want just a brief hug before they go to bed.

Auditory child:  To find out if your child is Auditory, if you asked your child if they had a choice would they want to go and do something with you, talk with you, understand something that happened to them that day or just cuddle, an Auditory child would say that the would like to talk with you.

Their bedroom routine would be having the story read to them, they would either like to read the story themselves or both of you reading the story together.  They'd also like to chat about anything and everything.  When it's time to go to sleep they like to hear "I love you, goodnight and sweet dreams", anything that's verbal.

Digital Child:  To find out if your child is Digital if you ask your child if they had a choice would they want to go and do something with you, talk with you, understand something that happened to them that day or just cuddle, a Digital child would say that the would like to understand something that happened to them that day.

A Digital would have you read the story, then they would need to review the story, ask why certain things happened in the book.  They would also like to talk and review the day or any interactions that they may have with you that day.  They would like to connect with you or discuss anything that may be troubling them.

A Kinesthetic Child: To find out if your child is Kinesthetic, if you ask your child if they had a choice would they want to go and do something with you, talk with you, understand something that happened to them that day or just cuddle, a Kinesthetic child would say that the would like to cuddle

A Kinesthetic child loves long hugs and/ or holding hands and would like to cuddle in bed with you while reading a story.  They like cozy blankets and soft pjs and of course cuddly stuffed animals to snuggle with.

By learning about the unique needs, wants and requirements of your child, and learning to communicate through their communication mode, not only will they feel happy, secure and fulfilled, both you and your children will be able to have sweet dreams as all of you get a good night's sleep.